Link's answering machine
by I-live-for-the-pie
Summary: Link checks his messages. Rated T for language, sexual themes, yada yada. Includes: Malon/Dark Link, Redeads trying to rape Link, and Ganon begging for Link to save him from Zelda. So basicly, insanity. -Discontinued due to school-
1. Link's answering machine

**I got the idea for this from reading Shirosenshi Kisetsu 116's Answering machine saga. Sorry for any confusion before I added this. Anyway, on with the story.**

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**Link's answering machine**

Hey, this is Link. I'm out saving something. Leave a message.

**(Beep)**

Hey, Link, it's Zelda. I got kidnapped… Again. Save meee~!

**(Beep)**

Link, this is Dark. You'll never guess where Epona is.

**(Beep)**

This is Ruto. Are you avoiding me?

**(Beep)**

Oh my goddesses is this really Link's phone!? *Multiple squeals in backround*

**(Beep)**

Link… I swear I will kill you. HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY UNDERWEAR!!!

**(Beep)**

Hey, Link, wanted to tell you. You might get blamed for a panty party I threw. Later.

**(Beep)**

Ummm…. Link this is Malon. I'm pregnant. I'll tell you the details later. See you.

**(Beep)**

Link! Help me! I'm gonna be a dad!!! Help! Please!!!

**(Beep)**

Link, you promised to marry my daughter, Ruto. So get your butt over here.

**(Beep)**

Hey, incase you didn't know, that other message was from me, Dark.

**(Beep)**

*SCREEEEEEEEEECH* _we will rape you Link. We, the Redeads, Shall succeed!!!_

**(Beep)**

Link!!!!!! Damn you, the Redeads thought I was you!!!!!!! I barely got away! Kill them!!

**(Beep)**

Link, this is Ganon. Save me!!! The princess is horrible!!! She did horrid things. *Cries*

**(Beep)**

HEY!!!! JAKE!!!! I BLEW UP YOUR DRUM KI- ......Shit. Sorry. Wrong number....

**(Beep)**

That is the last of your messages. Press 1 t-

**(Click)**

Link just stood there staring at his phone when suddenly,

"Wait, phones haven't been invented yet!"

**_I'll make another chapter with someone else's messages, if I get enough reviews from people wanting that. Or a chapter about where Epona is. *Chuckles* Tell me what you would say if you called one of them by accident. Remember, cruel reviews make my brother cry. Constructive criticism makes him finally get a date. Anyway, that's the end, bai!_**


	2. Dark Link's answering machine

**Chapter 2 Dark Link's Answering Machine.**

Hey, I'm off screwing with Link's life. So leave a message I'll never listen to.

**(Beep)**

Hey, Dark, it's Ganon. Wanna help me with Zelda and making it all harder for Link?

**(Beep)**

Shadow, how dare you steal Epona. Where the hell is she!?

**(Beep)**

Dark, I now know it was you who stole my underwear. You will DIE!!!!!!!

**(Beep)**

D-dark… It's Malon. I-I wanted to t-tell you… I… I'm pregnant.

**(Beep)**

If ya want my help, first off, you need to calm down. Next, go talk to her. She'll need your help. And if I find out that you just ditched her. My sword will find itself up your ass. Bye.

**(Beep)**

…_Uh, sorry Shadow… We, the Redeads, thought you were Link… Please don't tell him to kill us!!! Please!!! (SCHREEEEEEEEECH)_

**(Beep)**

Hey Dark, its Zelda. Thanks for telling me how to scare the crap put of Ganon.

**(Beep)**

…Why should I leave a message if you'll never listen to it? Heck, why did YOU leave an answering message?

**(Beep)**

That's it. 1 is-

**(Click)**

.......... "What is this thing, anyway?" Dark asked no one in particular.

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**Hi, hope ya liked it. I got some reviews from people who, amazingly, liked it. So, here's another chapter. Remember, cruel reviews make people randomly kick my brother in his... Yeah, but crustructive criticism makes him finally find his marbles. So, that's the end, and bai!**


	3. Zelda's answering machine

**Everyone's been wanting to see Zelda or Ganon's answering machine. So here's Zeldas. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 3: Zelda's Answering Machine

This is Zelda. Leave a message after the beep.

**(Beep)**

This is Link. What is this, the 1000th time, he's kidnapped you?

**(Beep)**

This is Nabooru. You'll never guess what Dark Link stole from me.

**(Beep)**

This is Link again, have you seen Epona?

**(Beep)**

Zelda! It's Malon. I just found out that I'm pregnant!!! This is sooo great, but I don't know how Dark will react. That's right Dark Link is the father.

**(Beep)**

Ok, it's Dark, I'm gonna tell you how to scare the living shit out of Ganon. He's deathly afraid of… girl _cooties. _It's hilarious, I know. Try to go all cuddly on him. While you're at it, record this happening, I wanna see it.

**(Beep)**

Princess Zelda, I am but a lowly farmer, but I wish to ask of your ai-

**(Beep)**

Message skipped.

**(Beep)**

Zelda, it's Link. I'm calling to ask why I found Ganon curled up in a ball at the castle and didn't find you. What happened???

**(Beep)**

End of messages reached. Press 1 t-

**(Click)**

"…If I didn't have the triforce of wisdom, I'd be sooo confused right now." Zelda muttered, staring at the phone.

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**So there you have it! Zelda's answering machine!**

**Link: Wait... Ganon's scared of girls!? *Falls over laughing***

**Dark: Yep. Heheh, I'm suprised you guys like this.**

**Calic: Me too.**

**Link: Anyway, remember!**

**Dark: Mean reviews make me toture Calic's brother.**

**Calic: But helpful or nice ones make Dark make me a cake!**

**Dark: ...You're obsessed with cake, aren't you?**

**Calic: ...Maybe.**

**Link: Anyway! That's it!**

**Calic: Right, bai!**


End file.
